I, Me, Myself

" What if, we would have done that instead of this ? "

There comes a day in our life when we ask "the" question to ourselves. Whether it is the night before your 12th grade board examination, after 3rd quarter of a very important basketball match, when you are staring your final sem's result or the day when you start searching yourself in a queue of thousand others.

No matter how hard we try there is always a doubt-We can do better than this !!! But the question is will this so called doubt will take us to the heights of our dreams or we'll fall down on our knees one more time. Yes- I took a chance for myself. Yes- I stood for myself. Yes- I made a decision after thinking over and over again for hours and sleepless nights. Then why am I asking "the" question now ? I took a wrong turn towards my future i guess or am I scared of failure now ? may be it is the burden of expectations ?

I got the answer then and there itself. It is the huge expectations from my family, my friends and Vineet himself. I tried my best to run away but every single time, i found the shadow of these expectations giggling at my helplessness standing in the corner of my room. There are times when you cant run from questions. You can try but you cant run from yourself,and after sometime you will come back to the same place where it all starts. The ground Zero, where you dont have any secrets, where you cant make excuses, where you have to answer all the questions raised and where you are your own interrogator.

I was standing in front of a mirror. The image was familiar but the way it looked at me, I thought it was someone else this time. It only took "him" some seconds to know what i was thinking and "he" started laughing. I was embarrassed by "his" honesty. Suddenly, "he" asked me- Where is the fire now ? What happened to your passion ? What about your big arguments on doing what you like and making it your profession ? Everything I thought 6 months back was suddenly coming in front of my eyes in 4X. I was standing in front of "him" speechless with my mind as empty as the inside of my bones. Then I thought of the times when i had tons of hope. The good times, time when i was happy, time when there were no confrontations. When I dint had to ask my whiskey bottle- Why am I drinking this ? When I dint had to look at the smoke and think- What after finishing this ? Yes I left all these things behind a long time back, but still it comes back to me one day or another.

"He" was still looking at me and I was still searching the answers somewhere down under myself. The time looked still as a painted ship upon a painted ocean and i was wondering what went wrong exactly. And if I was right then why all this now ? M I loosing my mind ? My hope ? Myself ? I tried explaining "him" - How everything went wrong and how i tried coming back each and every freaking time. The night when i was called as A BIG ZERO or the day when I was asked to be at home coz according to them i should be ashamed to go out. I gave it all again to stand up and face them. I fought some very hard battles weather it was emotional, physical or mental. I laughed on myself and cried too. I did what i felt is right each and every time. Yes, i made mistakes too. Sometimes unknowingly and sometimes in my senses, but I accepted them every time. Yes, i never said a loads of things which i should have but i understood what i did wrong and i admitted too. Yes, today i am down and out. Exhausted and tired of this race. Standing in front of you with a guilt in my heart and tears in my eyes, but i will never back down on what i think is mine. Not today. Not tomorrow. Never.

"He" had a smile on his face this time. I felt alive again with him. And "he" said -

If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose ?