Coffee and Cigarettes...

The flame from my lighter kissed the well tapped cigarette and through the smoke of my FIRST puff I saw her...

It was a cold evening. I was just sitting with a pack of cigarettes and a hot cup of coffee thinking - what to really think about ?  I generally have a lot to say when someone points me in a direction but its a difficult job to start a conversation with yourself sometimes.You know the normal routine. 

And there she was. It was a long time since we meet, or talked or even thought about each other. I don't know why but I smiled. The next thing I remember is she sitting next to me. "Whats up ? Where have you been ?" she said. "Nothing much.. Office-Home-Office and weekends are hectic then weekdays if you know what I mean.." and again there was that stupid smile on my face. Suddenly I was not able to ignore the countless unanswered calls apart from hundreds of messages which I left her. Oh yes.. And the sweet little chat about her boyfriend who was an ex by the way now just like me."You say.. Hows everything ?" I asked in a serious tone this time and we started this long but carefully crafted conversation in which everyone was very busy, over the top satisfied with the job and really happy.    

I don't know how she does it but she's really good in picking up the topics which I usually avoid. "When did you started smoking this much ?!" and that is when I counted it was my third cigarette with half on my coffee still left in the cup. "I don't smoke much, sometimes it happens... you know..." that just came out from nowhere. Awkward. Old habit of making any and every situation impossible when you least expect.

There was so much I wanted to ask. Tell. Convey. But I was just sipping that cup of coffee slowly. Speechless. Empty. Just like the last time I saw her. How can someone do that? I was not able to stop myself from thinking about the same old things again. Like an unfinished dream it kept me awake all this time. They say time heals everything but not in this case. May be because I never got the answers or may be because I was too afraid to ask the questions in the first place. 

The decision making process is very simple in human beings, we do what we think is right. I know deep down that you can't claim anybody's actions to be wrong or right. Isn't it ? Or I am still trying to answer my own questions with my own answers ? 

I kept on looking at her, while she was busy telling me something about a wedding scheduled a week later with that last cigarette in my hand... Confused ...